Guess What?

My new wordpress blog is now available in the google search engine!

Now, I haven’t completely finished customizing my page, so ignore that…but PLEASE check it out.  It’s so much more uplifting than this depressing ass shit on this channel.

I know that it was interesting at first and I guess it was fun to bring you guys along the journey with me, but I was hoping for the best and a happy love story.  Instead, I was just a pawn.  I was just a girl to finish a prison bid…nothing more.  It sucks….it sucks really bad, because he was/is the love of my life…but I deserve better than the way he treated me.

So, with all that being said, please check out my new blog and even my YouTube channel.  I’m trying to bounce back, so that I can make a living for my daughter and I…and maybe somewhere along the way I will find a man that will treat me like I should be treated.

https://manifeellikeawomanblog.wordpress.com

https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=artvsart+channel

Again thank you for all of your support.

XoXo.

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Told Ya So

As I told you guys in the previous post, I am posting the link to my YouTube channel. As things go right now, though, the link to my wordpress site won’t show up in search engines.  However, I’ll type it here anyway.

So, my YouTube channel is pretty much about my friend and I competing against each other with art challenges.  Since the channel is in the beginning stages, there are very few videos up.  However, if you really want to see the face behind this blog…then it’s the place to go!  Please check us out and subscribe, though.  I am so happy I have all of you supporters!  If Corner of Confessions reads this, then I want to personally/publicly thank you!  You have stayed loyal!

https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=artvsart+channel

My new blog is going to be a mix of things.

It’s funny, because I actually talk to you guys as if I am some famous person.  Thank you, thank you, All!  I’ll see you on the red carpet, tomorrow!

Anyway, my intentions of my new blog are basically to create tutorials and how-to’s and…all that jazz…wanna know what it’s called?

Take a wild guess……….

Ok, fine, I’ll tell you!

It’s called “Man, I feel like a woman”  Pretty awesome, huh?

The website is manifeellikeawomanblog.wordpress.com

I hope that you guys follow me to my new websites.  I really appreciate that you guys are so fucking awesome!

I will update you guys whenever I am able to find my website in google!

XoXo.

Possible Resignation

Although I love writing about my troubling experience with the hubby, I feel like my time is coming to an end.

He’s scarred me, I am jaded, and no matter how much I write or do not write about it…

I still love him.

He treated me like shit, but damn…

I always think about how we were…back when he was wonderful.

Writing about him is merely a pain in my heart, because it brings up all the “boo-hoo’s”

I’ve been listening to ?Diggin up bones” by Randy Travis and I just want to break all the bones I did up constantly.

Anyway, with that being said, I would like to tell you that I have started a YouTube channel with one of my best friends from Arkansas.  I’m also going to start a new blog that isn’t based on me being in love with an asshole.  I will post the links in a latter post.

I hope that you all follow me down my new path!

XoXo.

Let’s Do A Recap

I have been getting a lot of followers lately; which is kinda awesome, considering I haven’t posted in like 2, 738 years.

Let’s do a recap of everything, so I can give you a rundown on this amazing inmate of mine.

We started dating in December of 2013.  He was, of course, incarcerated, and would be until May of 2017.  Long time,right?  Well, I ended up getting pregnant, because I was unfaithful and it pretty much ruined our relationship (for obvious reasons).  Anyway, a month after he disowned me as a human being, he called and wanted to make things work.  He forgave me and we were happy.  Times were still tough due to him being in prison, but we did it.  He built me up for years telling me how much he loved me and trying to get me to trust him.  I had trust issues because I had been burned so bad in the past. (which is another reason for cheating on him…I figured he was doing the same and I didn’t want to get to close)  Well, the day he got out, he came home to me.  I picked him up from his gated community.  He collapsed in my arms and we cried together.

Here comes the bride; big fat and wide.  Here comes the groom; skinny as a broom.  (He and I are both scrawny lil fuckers).  Oh damn, did I just say a wordy dird???  Excuse my french!

Anyway, two months after helot out; we got married.  We moved up to his hometown area even though his family told me it was not a good idea.  I went to his family reunion and we had an amazing time.  I was inducted into the family.  Oh my goodness I love his family.  We got our own house and finally were able to start our life together as we had imagined it to be.  We had been in the townhouse for a little under a month when he died.

Ok, he didn’t die.  BUT, he did stop coming home, having sex with me, lying about where our money was going, and emotionally abusing me.  Does this sound like a concoction of the world’s famous “I’m cheating” juice, or what?

I’m not lying.  When I say “emotionally abusive”  I mean he would tell me I looked like a slut when I wore my makeup a certain way.  One of my favorite shirts is a black one that hangs off my shoulders.  It shows no cleavage at all.  Every girl has at least one of these shirts, but when I wore it; I was a slut.  He would snap his fingers at me “get over there” “move, get on” like a dog.  He even called me a “fucking idiot”.  He would yell at me over absolutely nothing.  But, guess what?  I was a beaten dog.  I made sure he had lunch and dinner.  I made sure he had clean clothes and a bed with clean bed sheets that was made and ready to crawl into.  I made sure our house was clean, so he could be proud of something when became home.

Here’s a backstory on the “beaten dog” comment I just made.  Way to many times while he was locked up; he told me I acted like a beaten dog because of how I feared retribution from him.  For example; I would be hesitant to say something that I knew would upset him.  “You’re being really mean.”  Simple stuff like that.  He would use the analogy as a beaten dog that is tied up on a porch and the owner beats him him so the dog cowers down each time he sees his owner.  However, the dog still remains loyal.

I am using a hell of a lot of semi-colons today.  I haven’t been in school in I don’t know how long.  Am I even using them right?  I feel like I’m being over-zealous with the punctuation over here!

Anyway, one day he decided that I needed to come to my dad’s.   For those of you that have been keeping up, you know that I am visually impaired so I cannot drive.  For those of you that are just now reading this…you know that now.  On our way down here, he told we were taking a break.  I was crushed and could’t stop crying.  I begged him many times to pull over.  He wouldn’t.  Is that kidnapping?  Just kidding. I know it’s not.  When we got here, he left and never came back.  He did, on the other hand, tell me he was kicking me out and moving another girl in.

When I went to get my stuff; she was there and some of her stuff was , too.  I threw it out the door and went crazy.  I ended up getting arrested.  I was in jail for a whole hour.  Crazy, huh?  It’s ok.  I was so pissed that I didn’t care.

Also, let me refresh your memory.  I use to not cuss at all.   It was really rare when I would say such words.  Now, though, I don’t give a FUUUUUUUUUU-dge.

Well, I was destroyed, obviously.  My marriage was ruined.  I lost my house, my independence, my happiness, my daughter.  (The story bend that is not necessary, but it had to do with jealousy and to spite me.)  So, I was completely at a loss.  I remember asking him where I was suppose to go, what was I suppose to do.  He just left me high and dry.  He spent all my money…I literally and nothing.  My dad rented out his house, so I was basically homeless.  You know what he told me?  “Figure it out.”

I do, however, have a roof over my head for now, though, so no worried..  Oh, and I have my daughter back.

Anyway, for a few months, he would tell me he missed me, loved me, wanted me to get pregnant so that he could move me back in.  He would come visit me and all that jazz.  I got tired of being strung along, because that’s all he was doing.  I knew it, but I ignored it.  I loved him with all my heart.  I missed him.

I now know that what I miss was the connection we had.  I loved being able to be hyper and giddy and talk in weird voices and be myself without being judged.  I missed having someone to lean on and someone to cater to.  I miss how we could be super weird together and how we were playfully mean to each other.  “Hey stupid, what are you doing?”  It was just fun.    I t was all said with a smile.  That’s what I still miss.  I miss being able to be myself with someone that can keep up with me.

Well, I later found out that he had been telling quite a few other women the same things he was telling me.  He also told them that I was a piece of shit wife who had men over at our house all the time in the bedroom.  He made it sound like I was the bad guy, while I was home alone making sure he was happy…and he was out doing everything wrong in the book.

Long story short, we are done and over with.  One of the only ways to get me through all of it is imagining he had died.  If you really think about it, though; he has died.  The man I knew was replaced with a heartless narcissistic asshole that lives off of lies.  He gets off to it, I swear.

I said “long story short” like this was a short post.  I’m so silly.

Well, so there’s the rundown of things.  I guess since people have been following, I will start posting again.

I should probably change the name of my blog to “In love with an asshole.”  I’m not going to, though.  The whole point of this blog is to…well…I don’t know.  I started out with it being more of a documentary on how things were going, but since things are over; I guess I should find new material.  I still have a few that pertains to it, though. So, hold your horses!!!

What’s that 3OH!3 song?

“Don’t trust a hoe, never trust a hoe; won’t trust a hoe.”

Well, that’s all folks!

XoXo.

My Love

I’m sure it’s no surprise to any of you that I love my husband.  I mean, seriously, this whole blog is based off of this crazy roller coaster of my life with and without him.

I’m lame, I know.

But, check this out…

Over the past few months being without my husband and my daughter I have gone absolutely insane  Maybe I am slightly delayed in this, but I have recently pinpointed the problem…

As I was growing up, I had this dream wedding like all of us girls do…and Marshall from “how I met your mother”) . I dreamt of being a mother and raising my own family. Well, it may surprise you…probably not…but although I dreamt of these things, in the back of my mind I knew that none of them would ever happen.

It’s only now that everything had been taken from me that I realize..TRULY REALIZE…

THAT MY TWO MOST FAVORITE THINGS IN THE WORLD TO BE ARE A WIFE AND A MOMMY.

As I am making this Valentines Day present that probably won’t be given to him) I realize how much of a hopeless romantic I am. Like, really?

I am so cheesy that Chester Cheetah laughs at me.

I’ve been working so hard on this spectacular gift..and for what? Are my sentiments going to waste? Did I even use that word right?

All I want to do is show everyone how serious I am and how much my love means to me. I ORDERED 200 PICTURES OF STRICTLY Logan and husband and me.

Apologies for the stupid caps lock and typos, my phone is seriously going crazy. I’ve corrected each paragraph at least once and it still ends up looking like a 6 year old is typing this out.

Guys, I want my family back. Plain and simple. I have been put on this earth for a reason and that reason is…

To be the best gosh damn wife and mother a person could ask for.

That’s all I want. I WANT MY FAMILY BACK.

XoXo.

Simpler Times

It’s 8:30 in the morning and I was up until 4 or so making myself sick and writing in my journal.

I’m not saying that I wish he was back in prison, but I do miss those days sometimes. Why? Because at least back then our dreams were our reality.

Every month I would spend $20 in stamps, $150- $200 in phone calls, and $50 for him to buy from commissary. I would write numerous emails expressing my love for him. I would wait by the phone for him to call. Every time he’d call I would go from talking in a normal pitch to this high pitched squeal because my heart jumped 10 feet just at the sound of his ring tone and voice. I miss that, because now I’m lucky if my heart doesn’t drop when he calls.

We could fantasize all day about our life outside of those walls. What we would do for my birthday, for Christmas, family reunions, and how we would spend Valentines day. We talked about the day he would get out. We talked about how people would always see us together and we’d be inseparable. Wellwhere did all of that go?

We would have arguments and he would call me first thing in the morning and give me this long heartfelt speech and it would all be ok. Now, I’m lucky if I even get a we will talk later”. He use to tell me that he never wanted to stop calling and emailing each other…but now, he barely even texts me.

We use to talk about making love and making up after an argument. He use to listen to me. If I wasn’t comfortable with a certain person, he would drop them. If I didn’t want him doing somwthing, he wouldn’t. Don’t get me wrong, I was reasonable. No, I don’t want you talking to this girl all the time. No, I don’t think drinking all the time is a good idea. But, what does he do now? He sleeps with her every night. He drinks all the time. Why am I irrelevant?

Back when he was in prison, times were more simple in a sick kind of way. I miss those times where our dreams were perfect reality. Because now…

My reality is pure nightmare.

No matter whaI will always love him. No matter what I do, I cannot get over him. I can sleep with a million men but I can’t stop thinking of him. I hate it. I hate not being with him. I hate life without my family. Him and my daughter were my everything. Where has it all gone? Will it ever come back? Or is this the end of our story?

XoXo….Iw..w

Ashes

See?  What did I tell ya?

I just didn’t think it would be this short of an amount of time between moods.  I guess in reality, I feel like this even after he leaves, but at the same not really.

They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder.  But, what if absence tricks time into making you move on?  What if he falls in love with her?  Where will I be?

Will our vows ever be renewed?  Will they ever be genuine?  Will we ever be abet to forget and forgive?  And if not forget…just forgive?

Even now, I would give anything for him to just text me or call me “Kayla, come back home.” I would be perfectly fine with “Kayla, can we start dating again?”  Just…anything.  “Kayla, I want to promise you  that her and I aren’t’ seeing each other because I want to work things out with you…”

But, promises?  Will our promises ever actually mean something again?  Or…will they just be ashes in the wind?  People make promises all the time.  The one man that isn’t biologically programmed to love me unconditionally told me that when he makes a promise, he keeps it.  Why is this case any different?

You know, crying is much more difficult to do when you have a cold.  I’m caught between tears rolling down on my keyboard and me sneezing all over the screen.  How attractive, huh?

Regardless of who thinks it is a bad idea, I cannot give up on love.  I cannot give up the love of my life.  I will continue to fight for him…no matter what.  My dad told me the other day “only the strongest will survive”.  Well…I’m ready to prove to everyone how strong I am.

I don’t care how many tears I have to cry before my tears of sadness and longing turn into tears of relief and joy.  My long nights alone will be spent waiting on him to come lay with me after work.  My cooking skills will not go to waste and I can wash all of his dirty clothes.  I will go through hell to be his wife again.

“I’ve got 9 million 9 hundred 99 thousand 9 hundred 99 tears to go and then I don’t know if I’ll be over you.”  Dickey Lee said it all right there in that song.

“Man, I feel like a woman.”  Shania says it all…

You remember how I always did my definitions in the first blogs?

Promise – a declaration of assurance that one will do a particular thing or that a particular thing will happen.

I promise that I will keep fighting for what is rightfully and legally mine.

XoXo.

Late Night Texts

Emotions come and go, as we all know.

It’s like I can go through “I hate him” phases to “I miss him” phases to “Why does he even text me” phases to “I’m so excited for him to come see me next time” phases.

I go back and forth on writing down my thoughts between here and in my journal.  My last journal entry basically said this…

“He is going to be here in about an hour.  I’mto the point now where seeing him isn’t self destructive.  I know where our relationship lies.  Right now, I am just a hookup and I’m ok with that, because a girl has her needs.  The only destructive part is seeing him with her and her family.   I hate her so much.  Why do I love him so much???”

And bla bla bla.

Well, short sweet and to the point.  He came over.

We had intimate conversations and instead of leaving afterwards, guess what?

He stayed the night.

The next day?

He walked out of the room and at first everyone was upset he was here, but then they came to me later and said just to let them know so it doesn’t catch them off guard.  Honsestly, that took me by surprise big time.  He even ran me around to do errands and eat lunch.

I’m really putting my business out there and it’s slightly nerve-wracking.  Is anyone out there getting tired of this back and forth shit?

I’m not sure I am…

Because I have hope.

Great, now I sound like stupid Snow White and Prince Charming from “Once Upon A Time” again.  Here I go with the cliche “hope” thing.

Kill.

Me.

Now.

Ok, not right now.  Let’s wait and see where things go.

Time is a healer.

Time is working it’s magic.

Time.

Hope.

Faith.

Lot’s of fucking tears and broken hearts…

But, you never give up on something you want, right?

Damn.  I’m going to make myself throw up with all these sappy, chick-flick blog stories.

“Love Has No Limits” here we come!

XoXo.

Shopaholic Anonymous

Is it bad that the only thing that makes me feel better is to shop? Buying things for others or for myself…things I already have…

I’m pretty sure it’s a problem.

I’ve been so down and upset lately since I’ve gotten back from Arkansas a few days ago. The only time I’ve smiled since was today. I had to force myself to get up and get going but my sister came to get me and we went to the mall.

I feel better now. Why does life have to he so hard? Why can I not have my happy ending? Why?

That’d the question I constantly ask muself.

I juwhy is shopping the only thing that eases the pain?

XoXo.t…w

Spring Birds and Snowflakes

So, I’m sitting here on my sofa that belonged to my hubbies parents.  I took it from our townhouse…mostly to be vindictive, but also because his stepmom said I could have it and it is the most comfortable sofa I’ve ever sat on in my entire life; so why would I pass that up?

My window is to my left and there is this bird chirping outside of it.  Normally, that wouldn’t be weird, but considering it is Jaunuary and the bird just so happens to be the same type of bird that chirps in the spring; it’s kind of weird.

I know I said I would post on Dec. 22nd, and I did, it just didn’t get submitted.  I was super bummed and pissed and everything else under the moon, when I got a text from him.  I told him I just wasn’t in the mood, because it was our 3 year mark and boa boa boa.  Well, he came over and we did the husband/wife thing for about an hour and he left.  I’m to the point now where that doesn’t even bother me anymore.  I’m not going to be having relations with anyone else, so why not him?  I just have to get checked at the doctor the day after due to his relations with all the skunks in the world…

Kidding…

Life is hard sometimes.  I just don’t understand why we have to live this roller coaster of ups and downs constantly; regardless of who you are.  How in the hell is motion sickness not more common?

Christmas sucked.  You know…because I was suppose to spend it with my in-laws.  He texted me then, too.  He didn’t come over.  However, I did snoop around a bit and saw that he had spent it with his mistress.  Gotta love the “married but separated” life.

New years was a bust, too.  I went home to Arkansas, because I was not about to spend it here sulking in my own sorrows while he was out partying with his mistress and friends.  On my way to Arkansas, he texted me.  “I’m on my way to pick you up”  Can you believe he just wanted to ride around?  Long story short, that didn’t’ happen.  I had already been on the road for about 3 or 4 hours.

I did spend it with my friends, though.  Well, ok…I spent it with my ex and his mom.  Ok, I lied again…I spent it with my ex’s mom, because he passed out around 9 pm.

Who the hell falls asleep before midnight on New Years?

Anyway, thank goodness the depressing holidays are over.  I hate that Valentines Day is coming up.  My sister and I were walking around Walmart (because that’s like my favorite thing to do these days) and she mentioned VDay.  I instantly got sad and pissed.  I don’t have a fucking Valentine this year, because my husband is dating another girl!

So, let me cut to the chase…any of you handsome men that do not read my blog wanna take me out for dinner and a drink and to slash all four tires of his girls ride?  I would say his ride, but I invested a lot of money in it.

It’ll be fun.  And if you’re lucky,  you may get a night in jail with the best person alive!

Wait, what?

It is suppose to snow tonight and I’m looking out the window like “where the fuck is the bird gonna go?”  I’m half tempted to get a blanket and make it into a nest and crawl out there and cuddle with it since it is all alone, too.  Thank goodness I hate snow.  However, I was looking forward to playing in it with him.

Ugh.  Him.

Him, him , him, him, him, him.

He. His. Him.

AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!

Life.

XoXo.